


even though i know you'll never be mine

by tazernkaner



Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: I apologize in advance, M/M, i don't know what this is, too much talk of pancakes and boys not communicating properly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-19
Updated: 2015-06-19
Packaged: 2018-04-05 02:05:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,825
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4161537
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tazernkaner/pseuds/tazernkaner
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jonny makes delicious pancakes and Patrick loves him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	even though i know you'll never be mine

**Author's Note:**

> this spawned from a "maybe pancakes are a woman's thing" prompt on a tumblr thing and it took way too long to complete. i don't even know what it is, honestly.
> 
> ALSO FUCK YEAH GO BLACKHAWKS. STANLEY CUP CHAMPS BABY. join me on tumblr, because that's basically all i'm reblogging/talking about right now - [connsmythe-keith](http://connsmythe-keith.tumblr.com)

***

 

The first time it happens, the first time Patrick thinks _shit, I’m in love with you_ , is when he’s sitting at the island in Jonny’s apartment. Jonny’s facing away, humming the tune of the latest Taylor Swift song and flipping pancakes on the frying pan.

 

          It’s a long time coming - the realization. As soon as he thinks about it he knows that he’s always felt this way. It should probably feel unsettling in a way, realizing that he’s been in denial for all these years. It’s more like a weight has been lifted off his shoulders, he supposes.

 

          Objectively Patrick knows that it’s a bit silly that the final straw that cracks him is pancakes. It probably should have been something more - like the sunlight filtered in through the window and the lighting hit perfectly on Jonny’s cheekbones. He should have looked deeply into his eyes and seen everything he’d ever wanted in their twinkle. It should have been some big life defying romantic movie shit but it _wasn’t_. It was just pancakes.

 

           It had all started when Jonny had woken him up ass early in the morning - way earlier than Jonny ever got up on his days off - to tell Patrick about some recipe. He was yammering on, all excited like, about Pinterest or something. Patrick took the opportunity to mock him for that because, duh. His sister's used Pinterest to plan their weddings and shit.

 

          "My mother sent it to me," Jonny had sighed. "Honestly Patrick, can you shut up and listen for 5 minutes?"

 

         “Whatever,” he had agreed even though he didn’t really believe Jonny. Mostly because a) he hadn’t really cared and b) half his attention was on Sportsnet highlights.

 

          “ _Anyway_ ,” Jonny drawled in what Sharpy had coined his ‘I don’t have time for this, Patrick’ voice. “Like I was saying, pancakes.” Patrick kind of tuned out while he explained it, something about greek yogurt and mashed bananas or something. Which, okay, gross? He was waiting for the highlight of the awesome goal he had scored last night. He didn’t really start paying attention until Jonny added “I know pancakes are your favorite and they’re hardly in our nutrition plan so... I just thought you might like to try these ones as a substitute.”  

 

         “Oh,” Patrick had hummed, a bit caught off guard at that. He sat up straighter for no reason. He shouldn’t have been startled, because that was Jonny in a nutshell, always being thoughtful and shit. But it was still nice, knowing that Jonny had thought of him first. Because, who didn’t like pancakes? “That’s, yeah, thanks, man. Um.” He chewed on his lower lip. “You can send me the recipe, but I’m awful at making pancakes.”

 

          He had looked back at the TV just in time to see his goal celebration - which looked as awesome as he imagined - but not the actual goal.

 

         “Idiot,” Jonny had laughed lightly and Patrick could practically see him rolling his eyes. “I know you can’t cook, I’ve got all the stuff here if you want to come over - I can, I’ll make them for us.”

 

         Which is exactly how Patrick had found himself sat at the island in Jonny's kitchen, watching him make pancakes, and in love with him.

 

       Jonny’s right in saying that pancakes are Patrick’s favorite food. They have been since he was a little kid. His mom made the best ones, nice and fluffy, on the weekends that they didn’t have to roll out of bed at 5am for hockey practice. He liked to drown them in butter and syrup, filled with melted chocolate chips.

 

         He had tried to make pancakes before - when he had first gotten his own apartment in Chicago. He’d opted for one of those foolproof package kinds, just add water and and egg. The smell of the batter took him back to his childhood, standing with his mom and sneaking chocolate chips off the counter when she wasn’t looking. It turned out to be a disaster, his first attempt. They’d ended up looking more like scrambled eggs. He just couldn’t get the hang of flipping them over. The taste was bland, they were burnt in some places and undercooked in others. The chocolate chips hadn’t even melted.

 

          When Erica came to stay with him for the first time she’d somehow managed to replicate his mom’s recipe to the exact. She’d tried to show him and with her there they didn’t turn out too bad. But the next day when he tried it was another disaster and he’d then resigned himself to the fact that he would only have pancakes when his mom or sisters were around. Pancakes were a woman’s speciality, he decided. Maybe one day he would get married and then his mom would show his wife how to make them for him.

 

           But then there was _Jonny_. Jonny who’s flipping the pancakes with a face full of determination, sliding the spatula under and picking them up with ease. Patrick watches the way the muscles in his back move as he works, and he’s definitely no woman, but Jonny can make pancakes for him. In fact, there are hundreds of ways that Jonny constantly takes care of him. Suddenly Patrick can _see it_ \- can see the way their friendship has always been blurred, the way it has always meant so much more to him. He sees it, the future, with Jonny. He sees them, playing hockey and having lazy days off together eating pancakes. Jonny can take care of him in a way that no girl has ever been able too. He knows what he needs and he understands that hockey is a priority for him. And now he can make fucking pancakes.  

 

          Patrick isn't quite sure what to do with himself now. It's like he's bursting with all this extra energy. He can't stop fidgeting, can't figure out what to do with his hands as he sits and watches Jonny plate up their meal.

 

        Jonny catches his eye as he reaches into the utensil drawer and his lips turn up into a smile. He's beautiful, is the thing. Patrick's always thought Jonny was an attractive person. He hasn't been in denial about the fact that he's occasionally attracted to dudes. He's just never actually wanted to date one, before. Maybe because he was suppressing his feelings for Jonny. The thought makes him a bit sick.

 

           In just a few seconds his life has somehow been completely flipped upside down. As Jonny moves around the kitchen, grabbing different things, Patrick's eyes are trained on the muscles in his neck, the exposed tanned skin just beneath his ear. Patrick wants to know what it tastes like, how it would feel to suck a hickey into his skin.

 

          Jonny is his _best friend_. Jonny dates _girls_. Patrick can't think shit like this, about the way his mouth tastes.

 

          "Something wrong?" Jonny asks with a frown as he slides the plate across the table to him. He tries to school his face into a smile, or at least not the petrified expression he's sure he's wearing. The plate in front of him is covered in perfectly sized pancakes, so round that they could be from a recipe book. Jonny places a fruit salad bowl next to them and Patrick is pretty sure he won't be able to eat any of this without puking but he nods anyway.

 

        _I'm in love with you_ , he thinks. "Everything is great," he lies through his tensed up jaw. He reaches for the sugar free maple syrup Jonny's got laid out and smothers them with it. _I've always been in love with you._

 

          Maybe the pancakes will be awful, he considers before he gets up the courage to pick up his fork and knife. Maybe they'll be so bad that Patrick will instantly fall out of love with Jonny out of fear of having to eat awful pancakes for the rest of his life.

 

          He looks at Jonny who's all smiley and cozy in his grey 'Hawks sweater, and fuck, yeah he's so gone for him the pancakes can taste like shit and he'd still want him.

 

          Of course because Patrick's life is an amusing spectacle of ridiculous events, they taste amazing. They're healthy, there's no butter or chocolate chips and the taste of banana lingers but they taste great. The syrup is sickly sweet and Patrick loves Jonny.

 

            "They any good?" Jonny frowns at him, and it must be the pained expression on his face that makes Jonny think he doesn't like them. If only he actually knew. "You can tell me, I mean, if I can't be a professional cook then I can always keep hockey as a fall back."

 

           Patrick's laugh is hollow. "Yeah, fallback," he snorts. Hockey is everything to Jonny. Obviously, Patrick has dedicated his entire life to hockey, too, and it's the driving passion that pushes him through life but Jonny _is_ hockey. If hockey were personified it would be fucking Jonathan Toews in his Canada jersey and dopey smile.

 

           Hockey comes first with Jonny, it's why he hasn't been able to hold down a steady girlfriend over the years. What would he do if he realized his right wing was crazy in love with him?

 

            Jonny just quirks an eyebrow and smiles.

 

           "They're good man, great even. You're in for it now - you've got a future of making me pancakes on our days off." He's joking of course. Mostly. Maybe not at all. He fucking wants that, alright?

 

            Jonny's grin only grows further, stretching across his cheeks in a way that makes Patrick ache. "That's quite alright with me," is the answer he supplies and it makes Patrick sick because Jonny doesn't _get_ it, doesn't mean it like Patrick does.

 

          He nods and looks down at his empty plate. "Well, um, I should get going man."

 

          Jonny looks a bit stunned. He lowers his fork and knife onto the table even though he hasn't finished and regards Patrick carefully. "What? Already? I thought, I don't know, we could play some video games or watch a movie or something?"

 

          Patrick stalls for a second because ideally he would love to stay, curl up on the couch and kick Jonny’s ass at Xbox. Ideally, he wouldn’t have realized he’s been harbouring some pretty intense feelings for his best friend, either. If he could turn back the clock then he’d never have let himself realize it in the first place.

 

           "Sorry, man." Patrick coughed awkwardly and looked down at his plate that was only left with syrup. "I've got a lot of shit to do today."

 

          He doesn't dare look up but he's sure Jonny has got his confused disappointed face on. "I can help you," he supplies.

 

          Patrick runs a hand through his curls then forces himself to look up at meet Jonny with a smile. "It's boring shit, got to take care of it on my own. Why don't you call up Saader, he's still depressed as shit about his breakup. Mario Kart would do him good."

 

          "Was it something I said?" Jonny blurts, completely ignoring what Patrick said.

       

          "No? What are you talking about? I told you, I've got shit to do." His voice is edging on frantic and Jonny clearly picks up on it.

 

            After a long beat of silence Jonny finally just lifts one shoulder into a shrug. His face is schooled into a bored expression when he says "whatever you say, Pat. See you later, then."

 

            Patrick stands and then hesitates. He feels like a dick. Jonny is being a great friend and - suddenly the word _friend_ makes his stomach coil with nausea.

 

       More than anything he wants to apologize and stay. But he's having a hard time saying words and not slipping out that he's suddenly crazy in love with Jonny. He has to get this shit under control, fast. Because even if he's always loved Jonny on some level, he's also his best friend and Patrick doesn't intend on letting feelings or shit get in the way of that. But he needs time to get his head on straight, right now. These feelings are too new, he has to be alone to deal with them.

 

            "See you, Jon."

 

             It isn't until he's out of the apartment building that he finally feels like he can breathe again.

 

*****

 

It's not that Patrick is avoiding Jonny. It's that he's _completely fucking avoiding him._

 

         Jonny can tell, if evidenced by the hurt looks he keeps throwing Patrick's way from across the locker room. He’s sent a handful of texts, too, starting casual like nothing was wrong but as they went Patrick could tell he was getting more frustrated and concerned. He hasn’t replied to any of them, which he still feels bad about, but his feelings for Jonny are still too new and he doesn’t know how to tamp them down.

 

         It isn’t like they haven’t spoken at all, of course. They still play on the same hockey team and even as ridiculously love struck as he is, Patrick has enough sense to know that hockey comes first. So they’ve talked at practice, Patrick forces himself to act like nothing’s wrong because he doesn’t want the team to sense anything off balance. (Sharpy totally has, but Patrick still kind of thinks he has some weird sixth sense Edward Cullen mind reading shit on the go.)

 

          Basically, he’s just made sure to never be alone with Jonny.

 

          He’s not sure how he could have not _known_ that he felt this way. He wonders if anyone else has ever guessed. If Patrick thinks about it too much, the way they are, it makes a lot of sense. Sharpy jokes all the time that they’re more married than he and Abby will ever be. It’s true that Patrick has always felt a level of commitment to him. Signing his new contract felt like he was making a promise to keep playing with Jonny, more than anything else. He’s never thought of his life without him, hockey or otherwise, because he’s just always assumed he’ll be there. He doesn’t want them to ever grow apart.

 

          Jonny has this way of making Patrick better, and shit. He pushes him - on and off the ice - to meet up to the ridiculous expectations Jonny puts on him. It only makes him stronger - which he thinks Jonny knows. He’s always there, he’s the first one Patrick will turn to when he’s got a problem. He just _knows_ that Jonny will be there, will fix it in whatever way he can. Patrick is good for Jonny too, though. It’s not one sided and he knows that. He levels him out, forces him out of his own head when he’s trying to carry the world on his shoulders - on or off the ice. He knows exactly what Jonny needs when he’s stressed, whether that’s Patrick pissing him off so much that he forgets whatever is going on, or forcing him to come out with the guys even when Jonny is scowling and insists he’s going home. Patrick brought him out of his shell as a rookie, and he’s learned a lot since then, on how to deal with Jonny.

 

          They make each other better versions of themselves, Patrick thinks. Giving each other their best qualities. Making each other better and supporting one another - isn’t that the foundation that good relationships are built on?

 

           There's never been any boundaries between them, either. No spaces where they don't fit into each other's lives. Since day one, Jonny has slotted himself into all the empty spaces and then made room for himself where there wasn’t any. Patrick has just as much cl0thes and stuff left at Jonny’s for nights when they crash after a game or decide to carpool for an early flight, or just nights when they fall asleep on the couch watching television. Their families all get along great, and it’s no trouble for Patrick to tag along when Bryan and Andree come to town.

 

          He always feels a bit on edge during off season too, which can be written off as being off the ice and missing all the team but - there’s more, too. He’s not used to being away from Jonny for so long and that’s... It’s not like that with the other boys.

 

            Patrick sees how _good_ they could be together - if Jonny loved him, too. That might be the hardest part of it all, knowing Patrick will never find someone who compliments him quite like Jonny. But this is a friendship to him- as it has been to Patrick for the past several years - and it’s something he has to come to terms with. He doesn’t want to lose Jonny, what they have, because on whatever level, it still works and it makes Patrick happy. He _needs_ Jonny, so he has to figure out how to push it all aside.

  


          He just can’t, yet. So when Jonny catches his elbow and nods for Patrick to step into another room, Patrick has to shake his head no.

 

          Jonny scowls at the ground while rubbing the toe of his shoe off the rubber floor. “What’s going on?” His voice is quiet, eyebrows drawn together.

 

          “Nothing,” Patrick answers maybe a little too sharply.

 

          Jonny’s head jerks up and his face is clouded with annoyance now. “Nothing? Fuck, you’ve been avoiding me for weeks! What the fuck is going on?”

  

           Patrick isn't proud of himself but he snaps back "what difference does it make? I'm playing some of my best hockey in years, Captain, so don't worry about me."

 

           Jonny's face falls quickly, he blinks at Patrick a couple of times with a small circle shaped mouth. He quickly schools it back to annoyance (which Patrick knows is what he does when he’s hurt) and shrugs. "Right, yeah, 'cause everything is about hockey. Keep ignoring me then, I guess. As long as you're producing."

 

          “Jonny-” Patrick starts helplessly. There’s nothing he can say to make this better. He doesn’t know how to fix this.

 

           Jonny waits for a second then scowls harder. He calls “fuck you, Patrick” over his shoulder as he stomps away.

 

*****

 

The next time he sees Jonny is when he opens the door and silences the pounding fist against his apartment door.

 

          “Beat it down, fuck,” Patrick snaps instead of a proper greeting, all pissy. He folds his arms across his chest and waits for Jonny to apologize or something. His anger starts to fall, though when he looks at Jonny. He’s wearing a really deep green sweater, hood bunched around his shoulders. It makes his brown eyes pop against his skin and it looks so warm that Patrick wants to be wrapped up in his arms.

 

          “I think I figured out what’s going on,” Jonny says instead of a proper greeting. Patrick chokes on the air a bit and then stares at Jonny with large, frightened eyes.

 

          “Just... can you just leave, then? I don’t want to do this.” Patrick can’t talk about his feelings with Jonny and face the inevitable rejection that follows.

 

          “Did someone tell you?” Jonny asks in a harsh voice.

 

          Patrick internally groans because _everyone_ must know, then. He honestly can’t deal with this right now. “Please, Jonny, can you leave?”

 

          “Did someone tell you?” Jonny repeats again, taking a step closer. Patrick follows it up with an immediate step backwards and Jonny flinches.

 

          “Tell me what?” Patrick yells, tossing his hands up in the air. He turned quickly and stomped towards his kitchen. He’s not surprised to see Jonny trailing behind him. He has no fucking idea what Jonny is even talking about but he keeps going on anyway, without explanation.

 

          “You’ve been weird ever since you came over for breakfast and like - okay. I think I get what’s going on... if that was too much, or like, freaked you out then I can stop. I don’t have to do things like that... I’ve... got it under control.” He’s tripping all over his words, stammering on like Patrick knows he does when he’s nervous. “I can... push it aside and still be your friend, I promise.”

 

          “What the _fuck_ are you talking about?” Patrick snaps, turning on his heel to glare at Jonny. Got what under control? Does he _know_ that Patrick loves him? Is he saying he can push aside the fact that Patrick is in love with him and still be his friend? This is a conversation he really doesn’t want to have. He’s pretty sure he’s going to throw up or something. “What are you pushing aside?”

 

           Jonny’s face drains of all color and he takes a step back. “Um.” He clears his throat awkwardly and looks down at the floor. “So wait, you really don’t know? What’s all this about then?”

 

           Patrick is either going to throw up or punch him. “Know what?”

 

          Jonny looks like a deer caught in headlights now, he’s backing up further, all hunched over and small looking. “Fuck, um, forget it. Yeah, just, forget it, okay?”

 

          Patrick laughs out loud, though it’s without humor. “No. You’re not going to come beat my door down and then say all this stupid shit and just get out of it. What the hell? Tell me _what_?”

 

          Jonny throws him a pleading look and he looks absolutely terrified suddenly. Patrick doesn't understand until he opens his mouth and starts explaining. "Okay... Just don't, it's not a big deal but. For a while... I realized that I have feelings for you. Like, real feelings. Fuck, you know I hate talking about this shit..."

 

            Patrick can't figure out what to say or what to do. His body is vibrating with so much want and his mind is swirling with all the things he wants to say. In the end his body wins out as he lunges himself at Jonny. He fists the front of his shirt, pulling his down closer and hungrily attacks their lips together. It's only a stunned second before Jonny reacts back, his lips fighting with Patrick's for dominance. He snakes an arm around his waist and pushes them back until Patrick's back hits the wall. They keep fighting for control, keep deepening the kids and shuddering against each other.

 

         Eventually Jonny forces himself out of Patrick's grasp. He's smiling, all wide and toothy. "Okay. So. Um, we should probably talk about this?"

 

         Patrick shook his head. "You hate talking about shit. Let's kiss some more."

 

       Jonny let out a sound that was a mixture between a disbelieving scoff and a delighted laugh, if that were even possible. He searched Patrick for a moment with a calculated look and then shrugged. "Yeah, fine, talk later," he agreed before his hand reached out and grabbed the back of Patrick's neck.

 

           Jonny tasted like maple syrup of all fucking things and Patrick smiles into the kiss. Maple syrup and the future.

 

 


End file.
